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I realize this may initially come across as juvenile, but hear me out.

Sexual health is very important, and having regular sex may not be achievable, ideal, or safe for everyone. Masturbation is an excellent alternative. The health benefits that come from masturbation are extensive.

For many men and women, dildos greatly help with masturbation. However, they carry an unwarranted negative stigma and are illegal in many parts of the world. These points can severely hinder effective masturbation:

  • Some counties look the other way when they're labeled as stress-relief tools, but there is still the risk due to many obscenity laws. Far too many ban them outright.

  • Negative stigma for a range of reasons such as religious intolerance, societal pressure, and lack of education.

  • Cost may also be a factor. In regions where dildos are accessible, they may not always be cheap.

So, it's common knowledge that household objects are sometimes used to achieve the same goal, however there are also plenty of mishaps that can end either embarrassingly or dangerously. With the stigma, unavailability, cost, and safety in mind:

What would be an ideal, safe, household object that could serve as a replacement for a standard dildo?

The answer should preferably be cleanable and reusable, but this isn't a strict requirement.

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    I'm voting to close this question as off-topic because we're not qualified to answer this. our lack of expertise could lead to physical harm. – Wipqozn Dec 26 '15 at 16:17
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Before answering this, I think it should be known that nothing is a full-proof safe alternative to a dildo. You should also know that anything other specifically a sex toy comes with inherent risk.

Next, let's clear something up. Anal matters greatly more than vaginal. The reason is because it is much easier to lodge or even lose an object in your anus. Your vagina is a canal:

Things won't get lost up there, but that's not to say you want to let full objects become engulfed (they would need to be small, your vagina isn't very deep, but it's possible).

You asked for an ideal safe household object (under the circumstances). This is my recommendation for the anus and vagina:

There are no chances this will be lost in the anus, because the top is stopping it. Depending on the type of hairbrush, some handles may be better than others (less rigid, etc).

Remember, as I said in the beginning, nothing is fully safe. An example of something that could go wrong with a hairbrush would be a cracked plastic handle. That could be dangerous, clearly. Check the item yourself first!

Remember:

  • Never use glass bottles (this should be obvious)
  • Never use anything that you can't get a good hold onto
  • Don't use anything wood, you wouldn't want it to splint during use. This includes wooden hairbrushes.
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Went incognito to answer this one. I'm not in an area where such things are illegal, but it's still fun to experiment. We've found that a trainer's* baseball bat can work.

**A trainer's bat is the length and weight of a baseball bat, but has a much smaller circumference. It's approximately "anatomy sized"*

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  • A condom should definitely be used here of possible. Somehow I doubt the paint for these was formulated with this kind of use in mind. – Sidney Dec 26 '15 at 16:09
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Some woman use:

  • cucumber
  • carrot
  • small eggplant

with a condom over it or without but wash it first. However these are not much reusable.

You can think of some small plastic/glass items to use instead:

  • small bottle (makeup bottle of mascara or other with smooth surface)
  • toothbrush or hairbrush handle

Do not use beer bottle or other bottle from the side with the opening, it may be dangerous if low pressure occur, it will be difficult to remove.

  • As a common tool is described the handheld shower head and the water jet it makes. It is used by many, because of its accessibility. And you can use it in a place where it is normal to be naked.

  • Another tool to use is a personal massager like the Hitachi Magic Wand

I think whatever you use must keep it clean or you may have problems with bacteria (some kind of infections). And also be careful with glass items not to break them.

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    That is a really danerous advice. I remember that a friend working in a hospital told me that they had incidents with bottles. In a bottles can occur a low pressure then it may be difficulty to remove a bottle. – miracle173 Dec 25 '15 at 20:09
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    @miracle173 I have seen a radiograph about problems about bottles inside when I was studying radiography – tdmsoares Dec 25 '15 at 21:49
  • @miracle173 Yes I know people working in the emergency unit in a hospital and they have told me about large variety of items stuck inside people, so everyone should be careful. An really suction may occur when using a bottle without cap. I will edit the answer. Thank you for this remark. – vladiz Dec 26 '15 at 12:14
  • Re: your last paragraph - I suspect glass sex toys and glass bottles are not made of the same types of glass, so saying "they're both glass, so you're fine" is bad advice. Glass sex toys are likely made of stronger stuff than your average ketchup bottle. – Ash Dec 27 '15 at 19:51
  • Also note that the woman in porn who do themselves with veggies is just for entertainment, and they are professionals, you should not actually use veggies to masturbate – Some Guy Mar 2 at 6:36