Best (law-abiding) ways to inconvenience cold callers?

Question

Like many people, I don't wish to receive unsolicited phone calls/texts/emails from people who are trying to sell me something or scam me.

I am aware of passive ways of dealing with the problem but I am asking here for ideas for actively discouraging such calls.

1. I want to discourage the same people from calling me twice.

2. I want to discourage them from calling other people. In other words I want to stop cold-calling altogether. I believe it has no useful place in the modern world.

I am looking for novel ways of causing the maximum inconvenience and expense to these annoying people. Of course I am only interested in law-abiding methods.

If possible I would like the methods to be scaleable to the status of a campaign.

To repeat, I'm aware of passive solutions but I want ideas for active solutions that will hit these people hardest and preferably in their wallets.

Thanks.

EDIT

I'm very grateful for the answers so far. However they are very low-level solutions. I realise I wasn't clear enough. It is easy enough to annoy the grunts on the front line and anyway they are used to it. I am looking for ways to inconvenience the decision makers at the highest possible level.

Answer 1

When the cold caller asks for you, say "Just a moment, I'll get them." and then place the phone next to the stereo and let it play, like hold music. Every once in a while get back on in your best message machine voice and say "Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received." Having been a cold caller in the past (shudder, nightmares) I can tell you that after a while they will make a note not to call you back.

Answer 2

Print the telemarketing counterscript and keep it next to your phone.

I don't know how much it annoys the caller, but it might make things more fun for you.

Answer 3

Well, this doesn't apply to the UK specifically but here's my approach:

Never answer unsolicited calls from an unknown number. From anyone. Ever. Calls from a number that I don't recognize go straight to voice mail. If they don't leave a message, they'll never hear back from me. If it's important, they will either leave a message or find another way to get in touch with me. No truly important communication occurs only by telephone.

Answer 4

Answer in a foreign language. For the cold caller it's usually not worth trying to communicate with someone who you share no common language, since they are usually on the clock to make commission.

Answer 5

I sound interested then say "Wait a moment, I have to take something off the stove".

Then walk away. They hang up eventually.

(I used to keep an emergency whistle by the phone - blowing it removes the eardrums of the caller. But that probably isn't legal and it annoyed the neighbours)

Answer 6

If you want a novel, legal and amusing way to discourage telemarketers, there's always Lenny.

http://www.toao.net/595-lenny

If you're really committed, set your number up with a premium rate for callers. You'll start to actually enjoy the calls, asking questions and stringing the telemarketer along. Though your friends and family might not find this so entertaining when they get their next bill.

Answer 7

One very amusing way to dismiss cold callers is to put on your best sultry voice and say;

“I would be delighted to answer all of your question my dear, but this is a premium service and we will bill your number at a rate of £15 per minute. Is that ok, sweetie?”

They hang up so fast.

Answer 8

I have three fixes for this, with different results:

1. As I am in the USA, my phone number has been on the Do Not Call list as long as the list has existed. I used to get good results reporting callers, but I think all the call centers have moved out of the USA, so this is no longer effective.
2. As suggested in earlier responses "Please hold", put the phone down, get on with life, and hang up about 5 minutes later. Reasonably effective.
3. The one that could completely solve the problem if more people used it: I keep a list of companies I am boycotting. Any business whose products or services are advertised during a cold call to me goes on the list for a year. During that period, I try very hard to avoid doing business with them even if I was a customer before the call. If more people did this, cold calling would result in a reduction in business, and companies would stop doing it.

Answer 9

I note you're in the UK, where, very recently, a landmark change has been made in the law written to protect consumers from this type of harassment. Link below to a report by the BBC, but you need to find out the name of the company which is calling, then tell them you're going to report them to the Information Commissioner's Office - I'm pretty sure they'll be aware of the massive fine issued recently to a particular company harassing people regarding PPI claims.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31616523

Alternatively, do what I do - I am really, really rude and act furious. As soon as I realise what the call's about, I cut right across them and say where'd you get my number from, then carry on with something like (with a withering, sarcastic tone) I haven't had any PPI nor have I had an accident, but you will if you ever call this number again, remove it from your list immediately. I even throw in the fact they've had the temerity to disturb my dinner and how dare they (I've heard them apologise while I'm still ranting). For politeness on the site, I have left out the expletives; these may be none, very few or many and varied, depending on how bored/irritated I am, usually finishing with two little words used the world over and cutting the caller off. Funnily enough, they don't ring back...not really sure why, might be because I'm female and they feel like their mum has just given them a roasting, given the callers are always male, and they don't want to face it again.

Answer 10

1. Be creepy. Heavy breathing, asking someone if they wear a uniform, and so on will freak out most cold callers.
2. Say "I inform you I am recording this conversation".
3. Give the phone to your half-deaf grandparent with dementia, if you have one.
4. Be borderline threatening, without crossing the border. Say as if you were talking to someone else in the room: "John Smith, CaldCallers Company. Do you track? Oh, we already have him? Add the mark and trace, how long will it take? Sorry, I'm back, what were you saying Mr. John Smith?" You know, mafia impression and all.

Answer 11

Three-way the call with

• your ex
• another business
• a fax machine
• a friend who loves trolling
• the previous cold-caller

or if you need immediate results:

• "911, what is your emergency?" (or whatever number you use)

Answer 12

Personally, I go along with it, but give them fake stories.

It's a call about the accident I had? I go off for hours, start crying, explaining how it gives me nightmares, I close my eyes and all I see is the headlights coming towards me.

It's PPI? It's how my dear wife killed herself due to financial worries, if only the PPI had paid out.

It's "Microsoft" calling up about my computer problems? I suddenly become the most inept computer operator you'll ever meet; one finger typing, not being able to follow simple instructions, reading every damn thing on the screen except what they want

etc etc. Sometimes they catch on quite quickly. The longest I've had was the PC one where I kept a guy on the phone for 45 minutes. The longer they're not scamming me, the longer they're not scamming someone else.

Answer 13

If you don't mind tempting fate, tell them Your Name Here has passed away.

This works well for me, I rarely get people calling twice.

Source: I used to do IT work for a call center which did cold calling, when somebody had died, we removed their number from our data

Answer 14

The technical solution:

There are more pricey routers available which are able to connect to a telephone line (like AVM Fritz!Box). After the setup you can filter every call which suppresses the number (which is almost always the case because the cold callers do know that they are illegal) and you have two options:

a) Blocking. The calls are never connected.
b) Answering machine (the answering machine is completely silent, you do not even notice if someone on the machine, it is only indicated by blinking). I set up the voice of the answering machine to silence (or if you want, use heavy breathing...) and the call-center worker does not realize he is on an answering machine >:-).

This is also a wonderful tool against stalkers and phone harassment: Simply set up all unknown calls to the answering machine and only allow trusted people to call you personally. In case of harassment it is better to use recording to have evidence, the user interface of the router gives you the number and the exact time of the call.

@chasley: I would like to give a way to inconvienience the bosses, but that is not possible. One investigative journalist from Germany, Günter Wallraff (the very same which is famous for his quarrel with Bild), worked undercover for a call center. They are hiring jobless workers or workers with low income, partly with support from the official job center (hey, people are working, hooray). They get contracts not only from shady businesses, but also from big respectable firms (British Telecom). They simply do not care a bit, and you cannot inconvienience them legally.

Answer 15

J.R.R. Tolkien (or rather his friend C.S. Lewis's brother Warren) has the answer!

Thank you very much for your suggestions about my telephone number, which I will consider. Removing the number from the directory seems better than the method adopted by Major W. H. Lewis in protecting his brother, which was to lift the receiver and say 'Oxford Sewage Disposal Unit' and go on repeating it until they went away.

_{-- Tolkien's Letters, Letter 287}

Answer 16

My ISP was calling me at least 4 times a day each in my home and mobile to offer a upgrade in my plan. I'm not interested and every time they called I told this to them. I don't know if it's illegal, but after 10 days of these calls, my patience ran out and I told them "Ricardo is dead. He passed away this morning." I didn't receive another call in the last two days! So far, so good!

Answer 17

There are some excellent ideas here. They have led me to an idea of my own so I shall answer my own question.

Find out the private number of the people who run these businesses. Then pass that number on to every scam you can think of. Get them onto every mailing list in the world. When they get home they will face an endless stream of other people trying to sell them something they don't want. Poetic justice!

All I need to do now is find out who these people are and discover their home numbers and/or addresses. Hmm... not so easy. If it is a well-known firm then their work number would do. Imagine them spending all day picking up the phone to other morons who are just as irritating as they are.

What do people think? Is this workable? If so I might even set up a name and shame website. Set them on each other and let them get on with it!

Answer 18

What has worked for me in the past is to actually just waste their time. When telemarketers call, I use it as an opportunity to get to know a stranger. Ask them about their life, the weather, where they are, etc. If you act really sort of happy and genuinely interested in what kind of people do this job and how they live, or what got them into it, you can easily waste 30 minutes of their time.

I once asked this guy on the phone about what time it was, where he was and what kind of place was it, about his family, or girlfriends, etc. Every time they answer, you just ask another sort of "get to know you" kind of question. I really tried to build a friendship with the guy, and he felt really comfortable telling me all kinds of things. Then he said "Well, my friend, let me ask you about...", and I just hung up on him. I wasted lots of his time, the company's money, and I learned something interesting about life outside my bubble. If you got enough people to spend 30 minutes on the phone to not make a sale, you would affect the profits.

Of course, this doesn't work with robot calls, but then you really should have caller ID by now, and just never answer "Unknown Caller" or suspicious numbers anyway.

Either way... yea, it can waste your time too - if you really had something to do - and there might be better solutions out there, but I figure you're doing two things: you're growing as a person, and being a turd in "The Man's" punchbowl. It's not much, but even small drips of water can cut stone over time.

Answer 19

As with most things, the best possible answer to this question is found in an xkcd comic.

Answer 20

This response only applies to calls by a real human agent:

Several answers so far have suggested to tell the cold callers to wait a moment and put the phone down (indefinitely).

I suggest an extended version: Ask them to explain the details of their offer. You do not have to listen to what they say, just make sure you are aware of when they finally stop talking. Then, say, you hadn't quite understood, or you had to leave for a moment, or something like that, and ask them to explain again¹. Repeat until the annoyed cold caller hangs up.

Yes, cold calling people is their job. I want them to work for the money they get, not idle. A job where you can idle much of the time is attractive. A job where you have to work endlessly and get a feeling that your work is in vain is unattractive. An unattractive job has a chance of requiring higher payment at some point, or at least a higher frequency of people quitting. Also, occupying more time of those cold callers sounds good, too. These are probably the only effects on the decision makers that can be achieved directly via the cold call itself.

¹: Make sure not to use any words that could be remixed to indicate agreement to buy anything. The details of this are language-specific, but for instance, when asked whether you'd like more information, don't respond "Yes, I do.", but rather something like "Explain, please."

Answer 21

Have you ever mis-dialed a number and been greeted by a high pitched two-tone sound followed by a recorded message "the number you have reached..."? Years ago, I had one a device (I think it was called a Tele Zapper) attached to my phone that did the same thing and it worked wonders. As soon as the handset was picked up, it emitted that same two-tone sound telling the caller that my number was not in service. People would stick around, but robocallers immediately disconnected - and purged my number from their system.

Answer 22

One solution is (and this depends whether in your country telemarketers target private or business numbers) to tell the callers you're not a private (or a business) number, whichever they're not interested in. Telemarketers are interested in people who can listen to their talks (automated or in-person) so if it's not possible, they will cross you off the list soon.

Another way is to set your phone in fax machine mode (real or faked) while you're not expecting any calls. Surely, cold callers have systems in place to quickly stop trying on numbers that appear to be impossible to get people on.

Answer 23

In my country, when you receive this kind of call, they usually ask your occupation right from the start, if you are employed and all, and then they decide if it's actually viable to continue the call.

If that's the case, I find that it's most effective to say that you are unemployed, with no income of any sort. This seems to work really well, at least with me, because they usually have a database where they try to trace your profile to see if you are a potential customer, which services would attract your attention...

But if you can't afford their services, well, it's a total waste of their time to call you, at least in the near future. I rarely receive this type of call now.

Answer 24

It depends on your country, but we have a do not call list. Put your phone number on that list, if they call you, tell them you're going to report them. Unfortunately, this doesn't cover some stuff, from memory it's religious and charity calls.

Answer 25

Most telephone companies have procedures to identify equipment status.

One is an automated series of tones to identify a line that is not-in-service.

Most telemarketers use automated dialling that connects the caller with the callee after the connection has been made, verified, dialled, ringing, and then answered.

Downloading and recording the tones from a not-in-service line at the beginning of your telephone message will immediately re-direct the telemarketers calling equipment.

You can search for the tones specific for your telephone company online.

In most cases, a not-in-service number is immediately taken off the telemarketer's active number list and placed into a secondary database to be tried in the future after a fixed delay. Telephone numbers are never taken off the list of numbers good for a particular zone.

Answer 26

My favourite is to actually answer most of the questions affirmatively until they hang up. This actually offers the most value, so for PPI claims, have you had an accident, why yes am glad you rang, when was it, only recently, were you injured, yes, but it was nothing; I was only off work for a couple of weeks and the aches are mostly cleared up now after six months, etc.

You get the picture. If you tell them all six in the people carrier lost their legs they will normally spot the wind up. Often you will get past the outbound sales person and get someone a bit more knowledgable. 25 minutes is my best so far :)

Another is: No, that doesn't suit, but my colleague in the office has/needs x or y. Then choose a speaker phone number that you can all gather round :) Make them wait a bit so you can get a coffee and some notepads to pass suggestions on :)

Answer 27

If you berate the person with obscenities, most of the time the person on the other end will take you off their list. An ex-gf used to work a call center and that was one of the only ways to get taken off - since if the employer didn't allow the person marked off the employees could sue for hostile work environment.

This is perfectly legal and allows you to blow of steam, if you are morally capable of doing this.

Answer 28

All the answer seem to be torturous or far-crys or abnormal stuff.

Here are some legal and normal answers:

• If they are trying to sell something, just tell them that you already have that. They would stop trying to sell that specific thing.

• Also what also works is telling you know what they are doing. Saying "I know that you are trying to scam me, I'm not an idiot, but you are for trying to scam me. Never call back." and hanging up will probably keep them away from you. (calling someone an idiot might be considered hate crime, according to the caller, removing the ", but you are for trying to scam me" will help you secure yourself)

• Giving a life lecture works well too: "Do you really want to be a scammer? Is prison where you want to end your life?[...]" They usually hang up to this, and don't call you anymore.

Answer 29

Just say you're not interested. Say like "Hello random person! I don't care about your deals so please don't call me again!" then hang up. You could also make a recorded message which you can play when you receive a cold call. Make it sound weird and roboty. You could also use this convenient UK site for 10 ways to help stop these cold callers: http://www.which.co.uk/technology/phones/guides/ten-tips-to-stop-cold-calls/ (This is not spam)

Answer 30

Considerations are:

• Dont hurt the poor person in a terrible job.

• Reduce the total number of calls they make - you can protect others.

With scam calls especially try this.

Say that your husband/wife is the one who take care of these matters, you will get them. Then leave phone active and untouched.

For the "computer problem" scam, first mention that yes, the computer has been slow lately. Then say you will get other person. They actually will hang on for five minutes when I sound a bit like a dotty older person. Of course, as I am on my way to being a dotty old person sometimes I forget and leave the phone off the hook all day.